Words

Dear Leo,
I'm trying to sort out why I have such ambivalence toward words!  Clearly, I like using them!  However, I too often feel misunderstood.  Even when speaking English, I so often feel that others and I are not speaking the same language!  I realize conversant speech, formal speech, and written language are all different uses of words.  Regardless of the genre, I often find different meanings in words than what others intended, and my words often fail to convey to others what I believe they mean!  It sounds like I'm making a bad choice w/ words, that the fault of failed communication is w/ me.  However, I don't see it that way!  I also don't believe the fault is w/ others.  I really believe that human words can have so many meanings and subtle nuances that it really is the Norm to find various interpretations.  I think the problem is that some interpretations are so much more popular (or so much more easily found) that many think that's the only way to understand, where-as my interpretations and perspectives tend to be of a minority.  I think my relationship w/ words has much to do w/ being an INFP musician and of a mystic's life-view.

Really, given that I view language this way, it's surprising that I'm ever understood!!!

When something matters greatly to me and I want to communicate w/ someone who uses language differently, I guess I have to work harder to find ways to bridge the gap.  Or maybe simply be more creative.  Maybe I need to explore even more obviously different ways of using words.  Like e.e. cummings did in poetry.  Hmmm...  I don't know if I'm gifted enough for that, but it's worth consideration!

More later,
Mack

Much ado about nearly nothing

Dear Leo,
So it took me 45 minutes to disinfect the master-bath.  I disinfected/cleaned the toilet, shower, tub, and sink, and their areas (surrounding counter-tops or tiles), but I didn't vacuum or reorganize anything (except the items around the tub) yet.  I estimate it could take another 45 minutes to do all that to my satisfaction.

Re my fear of failure: to tackle the dreaded task wasn't so bad: I'm happy w/ the quality of my work even though I'm surprised that it took so long.  I'm a little bit nonplussed w/ myself that I am putting off the vacuuming, but yet hopeful that after a bit of a break, I will resume and completely finish the larger task of "cleaning the master bathroom."

I think most people would think it a bit silly that I can spend so much time thinking about this kind of thing.  I'm sure some would say "you could finish the job in the time it takes you to think and write about it!"  While that may be true, it's a certainty that my back can't tolerate so much bending w/out a break.  That's why I have to break up these "little" tasks into smaller bits.  It's also one of the reasons I dread this kind of work; I like to avoid pain!  It's also true that this kind of work, in terms of process, bores me.  But really, who isn't bored by such?  Is there anyone who gets excited about cleaning bathrooms?  I think, surely, "menial" house-hold cleaning is one of the most Christ-like (sacrificial) of services!!!  Heaven must be full of moms who made their house a home for their loved-ones.

It just occurred to me that manufacturers of cleaning products should add into their formulas scents that would be so appealing that people are eager to clean just so they can breathe the lovely aromas!!!  (If that were even possible, someone would probably abuse it and the FDA would have to ban the product!)  Sigh.

Well, this letter is terribly self-revealing, but I'm sending it anyway.  Thank you, Leo, for being such a safe confidant!!! ;)
~Mack

Just Begin

Dear Leo,
Whenever there is something on my mind that I feel/know I must do, but don't want to, if I avoid beginning, my ability to focus on doing anything at all (even things I want to do) is thwarted.  So why do I procrastinate?  I suppose because ambivalence is stronger than my sense of duty!  Hmm...  Do I like fostering ambivalence?  Not really.  As I examine this thought process I realize I also have a great sense of fear.  What is it I fear?  I'm afraid I won't be successful w/ whatever it is I feel obliged to do.  Is it really that I fear I can't do it?  No, it is that I fear I won't measure up to doing it as well as I think it ought to be done.  Wow.  This is a tremendously strong fear in me.  However, the teacher in me responds w/ compassionate sympathy yet persistent encouragement to "just do it."  "Begin.  And as you proceed, trust you will improve."  Okay.  I'm going to take one thing I've been avoiding today, and simply "begin."  I'll get back to you later on how it went.  Thanks for listening!!! :)
~ Mack